Awakening my Light Body... the journey begins!

I have been so caught up in material reality over the last many months that I've hardly paused to breathe, nurture myself or connect with friends and my spirituality. To help restore balance, I recently signed up for a course called Awakening Your Light Body which is really helping me work on myself in good ways. It is being facilitated by Maggie.

This is a huge course of 72 audio journeys divided into 6 volumes. Each member of my study group does 12 thirty minute meditations each month individually, then we come together for 3 hours to share and do a few meditations together. I am excited to be in this group because I've done Orin meditations for years but for whatever reason, I could never make it through this particular program by DaBen on my own.

When I first started the meditations, I had SO much resistance. Probably the biggest point was the voice speaking for DaBen, the non-physical being of light channeled by Duane. His voice has been driving me NUTS! It has a certain breathy intimacy which feels diametrically opposed to what I want to work with in a being of light, especially when dealing with meditations surrounding the power base of reproductive organs. Anyways, I am so committed to the work that I have just been pushing through. At first I kept falling asleep while doing them. Then I kept stopping mid-meditation because I couldn't deal. Then my awareness would check out during meditations. It all felt so vague and unclear. I had a strong critic which was thinking, "this is so freakin' new age! This is SOOO out there." Funny, for me traveling in my imagination to etheric temples of light is manageable.. but listening to this guy say "Nuuuuyah", asking me to contract a specific muscle on the wall of my uterus and and telling me to surrender to the experience felt completely bizarre. Then I miraculously made it through all 12 meditations, but realized I hadn't read the accompanying book so I really got much less out of the whole things than I could have otherwise.

During our meeting this past Sunday I shared my challenges and the realization that perhaps the reason I have so many issues with DaBen's voice is because I have bigger issues with men than I have been unwilling to face. When I hear DaBen's voice, I feel disgust, distrust and suspicion immediately. It is so liquid and all over the place it feels inappropriate. Compared to DaBen's watery voice, Orin's is light a bright clear and direct, assertive ray of sunshine and it feels so much more in alignment with my energy. I can't help but ask myself why I am so sensitive. Am I fearful of flow? Am I oversensitive because of past abuses of some kind? Am I hypersensitive because I'm overly analytical or distrustful? Or Is this guy just a new age perv? Perhaps I just completely out of touch with my own light body to the extent that it all feels super foreign and I am pushing it all away? Am I sabotaging myself? Unlike all the other types of meditations I have done, I had very few visuals and ecstatic sense of one-ness with the All. It felt more like I was learning to tweak a technology within myself which I had very little tangible sense of. Some interesting things that did happen, however: 1. OVARIES: While working with the Dinah energy waveform which extends out from the ovaries, I got a very real sense of my own ovaries for the first time in a long time. Having Endometriosis and reconciling to medicating it instead of solving it years ago (after a year of hardcore natural therapies failed and I had to get a second, more invasive surgery) this was the first time in a long time I have ever felt even remotely aware of my ovaries in a long time. (I don't menstruate anymore so it isn't as if I have a once a month reminder of them.) This meditation, and attempting to trigger a muscle within them, and visualizing a waveform emerging from them felt like it was stimulating them in a positive and well needed way for inner healing. 2.SUBPERSONALITY REGRESSION: There was one journey where I was led to work on a sub-personality within which had been with me since childhood which gave me some major revelations about the type of men I have typically had in my life, from my father, to my mother's long term boyfriend while I was growing up, to my brother and many of my boyfriends over time. I realized that I have become habituated to being around dominating, somewhat alpha men who try to create a sense of power by being the center of egoic attention, talking verbosely in ways which make less room for my intuition and soulful reflections and generally "don't get it" as far as my spirituality goes. These men have typically been angry and held it inside and create dark auras around themselves which are very uncomfortable for me to be around, and have denied that this condition even exists. My response since childhood has been to pull inside, withdraw, "go to my room and lock the door" or otherwise "check out" and immerse into her own inner life and a sense of alone-ness. This meditation gave me a major insight into the dynamic I am puzzling over with my husband. 3. BECOMING THE MASTER: These two meditations were primarily by Orin, which felt like a celebration to me. They were on the topic of "becoming the awakened master teacher"... in how we eat, speak, sit, talk and walk through life. They were delightful to experience, did have some wonderful visuals and the concept was very inspiring. I have been contemplating these two for several days in my daily life and was able to make some everyday choices with this awareness which amplified my health. I have decided to keep at it. I have lots of doubts and questions. I feel completely unsure of myself and like a complete novice all over again. But I'm going to stick with it and push past my comfort zone. I have been reading the booklet and getting a much clearer idea of what the power base is like and will keep practicing in everyday situations. I sense the massive change and transformation which this training could birth in my life, as I gain more and more awareness of how it works. At the same time, the immensity of it is still overwhelming at this moment. I'll keep practicing my and seeing what unravels....