Today's Clarity Coaching session with Maggie pulled the thread out. I was shocked to see how insidiously one little belief has infiltrated every aspect of my life -- from how I manage my staff, interact with clients, how I interact with men, where I live, my friendships, my job, my relationship with money... everything!!!
It was the belief I mentioned a few entries ago... "Life is about compromise."
One little belief. You would think. But in actuality, this habit of accommodation has been a lifelong habit that has been in place since youth. I actually remembered many instances as a young girl where I specifically made choices to endure otherwise uncomfortable situations because I believed that life did require compromise. From being forced to go to Church and sunday school (even when I hated it) and wearing itchy stockings and dressy clothes, to Catholic schools and summer camps which I hated, but endured, to spending time with friends whom I truely didn't like, but felt I had to endure. Boyfriends who I let push me past my boundaries, spending time in situations which didn't feel good but which were part of getting what I wanted, working in jobs I disliked but was willing to compromise for the cash, studying in fields which were not a fit but I was willing to compromise to get by .. etc... to many current day situations where I am compromising in small subtle ways because I think that it is required to get what I want... again, based on the faulty belief that I can't have what I want without compromising.
This awakening, and pulling the thread on my history, has unravelled quite a history of choices i have made over the last 3 decades. While I am aware of the belief, part of me still sort of believes it... but I am working on detaching from it. We agreed that I need to boost my sensitivity to attracting and seeking ease, flow and joy. I take responsibility for what I have created in my life, knowing that my point of attraction has drawn in the very people, experiences and circumstances which have matched and reinforced my beliefs, which are really just vibrational energies. But as of today, I am shining the light of awareness on this belief!!! Things can be better than "pretty good". They can be AMAZING!!!! I need to work on developing trust in my own intuition, identifying what feels really great and easy, and flowing towards that. This is my current life work. I realized how long I have squished my own much needed healing process to deal with "later". Well, now it's later and it's time to heal.
I got a clear message that this healing process and emotional release has a lot to do with my endometriosis. When we looked at all the dynamics in my life which reinforce this belief during the breathwork, I unpacked that I have a lot of anger underneath and squished in about having to compromise. I also apparently have some strong negative beliefs about anger, itself. We agreed I should take time to feel it move through me and allow it to energize me instead of getting squished. I have also been getting super clear over the last weeks that I have used food to supress and avoid dealing with these difficult emotions. No longer!!
My intentions for today
-I understand where beliefs about having to compromise come from if I need to know.
-I am becoming more aware of this belief and the relationship dynamics it creates
-I am able to identify this dynamic sooner and choose a different path.
-I treat myself equisitely in all aspects of my life.
- I make self care a priority.
-I am gentle with myself as I realize more fully what I have been creating in my life.
-As I discern what does and does not work for me I gain more clarity.
-It is easy for me to create a new point of attraction which draws in beautiful life experiences which feel fantastic
-It is safe to experience anger. I make space for it and it energizes me. I receive it's gifts.
-I can have what I want. I really can. Yippie!!
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