Freedom!

I never grew up fantastizing about having kids. However,when I found out I had Endometriosis a few years back and thought, "wow, my time is limited! Maybe I should have kids in case I can't later. I don't want to miss out and then regret it!" In short, I was motivated to start even thinking about having kids based on a fear, not based on desire. As time went on, though, I found I really had absolutely no genuine interest in kids. I never sat around and imagined them. I admired babies as they went by in strollers and made cute sounds to them, but was always happy to see them go. My fantasies have revolved around chihuahuas and cute little dogs, not wriggly babies.

Then something big happened over this last year. My neighbor had a baby. Every single night, and I mean "every", it shrieked it's head off, usually several times per evening. I literally felt as if I was raising a child myself because I had to put in the time into waking up every night, etc.

I found myself feeling angry and resentful at first, then simply using it as an "alarm" to start my days at 4 or 5 am. More recently, I have had the realization that this is information for me. I realize that I have no uplifted vibrational state from the crying of babies, or the idea of investing so much time, energy and money into the creation and carrying and raising of one. Visiting my brother and seeing how his entire life revolves around his own shrieking child, his lack of social life, talking to a girlfriend who just had her second child, then sitting next to a crying baby on the plane 2 days ago and getting home at 2am and then being awoken by the baby next door crying again was pretty INTENSE. This removed any lingering doubts from me! I am SO clear about what I DO NOT want! I do not want a kid!

I think what also gave me a lot of clarity over the last couple days was reading Abraham's Money and the Law of Attraction. It was just so clear that, for me, having a baby is an "upstream" thought which creates anxiety and discomfort for me right now, as opposed to being a joy-filled, downstream thought which uplifts me and energizes me. Now I'm surrendering to the flow of what feels good, accepting my feelings and letting go of fear... this has given me a lot of peace. What matters is that I just keep following what feels good without second guessing myself. What a relief! 

In the teachings of Abraham, this experience would be called "contrast".  I have been SO fixated on this contrast and the sensation of not feeling good, thinking and talking about not wanting. And there has been no reward for these ruminations. In fact, I have felt depressed and low energy afterwards, which has been confusing. Now I realize what's up. I have not taken the time to discover my genuine point of attraction, in contrast to having kids. Instead of focusing on what I don't want and getting sucked into a quagmire of no, how can I identify and focus on what I do want and enter the land of yes? Where can I find something to appreciate about this realization, a thought or desire which feels good? This is when I had a serious breakthrough. I realized that I have MANY feel-good desires which I have not been allowing to unfold. I have lots of dreams and points of attraction which I have been holding back on.

I decided to start writing in my journal of positive aspects about what I DO want to invest my time, attention and life energy into. Abraham suggests keeping this journal and writing endless lists and descriptions of what we do want and what feels good. We should fill it with descriptions of things which we appreciate and why. Descriptions of anything which shifts our point of attraction and helps us get giddy.  It can be stream of consciousness. It doesn't matter as long as the journal is a wellspring of feel-good inspiration that makes you feel fantastic as you are reading it. I know this activity will turn my focus around to positive thoughts which will attract the vibrational essence of what I really want into my life.

P.S. on the kids thing. This came as a major realization after writing the entry into my journal of positive aspects. Interesting how the act of just focusing on what I love delivered a sense of peace and plenty around the original issue!!

 

At the age of 36, I trust that I can turn my "no" about kids into a "yes" if the thought of a child one day suddenly gives me expansive joy. I trust the vitality, vigor and fertile health of my body. I trust technology and fertility treatments. I trust having all my needs met at a luxurious level, no matter what my desires. I trust that if having a child is truly part of my path of partnership, heart-opening, personal growth and planetary service, that I will know by feeling an intensely elated desire for that outcome at some point in my life. At that time, I can count on magnificent abundance to allow complete freedom while also raising awake and aware child. I can relax. I trust the adoption process. I trust the plenty and abundance of children on the planet and in the ethers wanting a loving family! I trust the overflow of children in my own community seeking love and affection. It's is okay for me to chill and flow into my current feelings of clarity because there is a wealth of children available to loving parents should I ever change my mind! There is always plenty of love to go around! For now, I love and accept my emotional vibrations as guidance towards my path of ease.. and I go with the flow.

Finally, I think of a Tai Chi master who taught me on the cliffs overlooking Big Sur who I wrote about in another entry. 

Watch the waves. There is no wishy-washy. They come in and crash, they go out. They don't come in part way and think, "I wonder if I should go in?"  They don't head out and second guess themselves, "I wonder if I should have stayed in?". Nature goes all the way. Move from your dan-tien!

Entry from my journal~

I desire freedom! I know what I think about and feel good about manifests so I take time to focus on my deepest desires.

I love feeling free to spend time in any way I like: curling up with a good book, bathing in hot springs, traveling to tropical islands, playing with a lover, attending retreats, spending enriching time with girlfriends, collaborating with inspiring visionaries, immersing myself in beauty through hikes in the mountains and along oceans and to waterfalls, laughing so hard it tickles, surrounding myself with miraculous natural beauty, radiant sunshine, creating food which glow with life-energy, immersing myself in restorative waters, dance classes, yoga, bright rainbow colors, wearing beautiful flowing clothes, holding luminescent gemstones, tending plants, writing books, creating art, exploring life in other cultures, spiritual journies, seeing even more beauty and feeling wonder, connecting with my family, co-creating beauty, magic, splendor and enchantment, celebrating life, singing to Source, keeping my body strong, slender and healthy, praying, meditating and SO much more!

I love putting my connection to Source FIRST. I know if I tend to my vibrational alignment first by upleveling my thoughts, that I can feel good regardless of outside circumstances.  I adore doing things to intentionally raise my vibration. I love feeling elation and gratitude for being alive! I so appreciate my imagination and how it frees my mind to create it's own magical reality! I love my inner Being, which guides me to ever expanding joy, love and creativity. I am loving the sense of wonder and delight I can create all around me by visualizing light, color and divine beings like angels, faeries, starbeings, goddesses and Source. I am thrilled that I can see visions of sacred geometric symbols, temple of light, Soul Family connections, ascended masters, guides and the tingling ever-present, shimmering at-one-ment with all things. All I have to do it close my eyes, breathe, and let my imagination run free!

I love being able to create positive prayers - making lemonade out of lemons in my life. I am so on fire with inspiration to write books about this, share through talking, singing, art and creating tools for transformation.

I am so happy! Thank you for the gift of seeing radiant light in myself and in everyone around me. I know focusing on feeling good brings me more of the same. It feels so good to stretch out, rest and relax in snuggly, warm and cuddly luxury. Bring kept toasty warm by a beautiful roaring fire is especially nice and I love thinking about having a second fireplace in my bedroom of my future house. My new house is a magical paradise of wonder and gorgeousness. I create a sacred sanctuary of beauty, art, restoration and soulful illumination... and I am so happy to have finally manifested it!

I appreciate being able to create miracles everywhere I go, just by changing what I am thinking about. I know it takes practice and I catch my thoughts more and more. When I notice an upstream thought it is fun to pivot and turn it around. It gets easier and easier to turn downstream and that feels nice. I trust that all is unfolding in divinely perfect time!

I deeply appreciate the feeling of letting my whole body surrender and relax into a feeling of loving support and ease. I adore the feeling of luxuriating and deeply nurturing my physical body, my emotions, my thoughts and my soul. With every day which passes, I become even more skilled at self-nurturing. In fact, I'm an expert at feeling good and deliciously wonderful ways of self-care!

I know just what foods, liquids, supplements, clothes, activities, music, friends, and thoughts help me SHINE at MAXIMUM RADIANCE. It is easy for me to be attracted to downstream choices which help me GLOW. I do yoga, kirtan, hooping, dance, hiking, NIA, prayer, play, art and fun exercise. I surround myself with a loving, deeply soulful community of people I can relate to who inspire me to become even more of who I truly am.

I love de-toxing because I put my physical and spiritual health first. Because I am overflowing with a sense of self-worth, amazing amounts of appreciation and love I listen to my inner guidance about how to amplify my health and wellbeing. I appreciate getting such clear communication about what to eat and to do to attain and maintain high vibration SOUL BLING!

I enjoy observing my feelings in relation to each thought I think and each choice I have to make. I know my feelings are Divine guidance. Choosing a better feeling thought at every opportunity honors the gift of being alive and having total freedom to choose my life. What a gift!

I adore that my connection to the Faerie realm has been amplified. I am so grateful to enter the playful merriment and joy realms of the winged, magical ones! I am thrilled to be in touch with the wisdom of mermaids, dolphins and whales. I love the mystical wisdom and delicate beauty of the mythical elves.I dive into feel good fantasies and imaginary realms which excite my spirit about what is possible. Yay for enchantment, giggles and flying through life with beauty and connection to nature!

I am brimming with wellbeing by deepening my connection to Quan Yin. Her current of compassion, peace and nurturing nourishes my whole being. I am so inspired that this goddess of tender loving care is able to serve the planet while simultaneously reclining, relaxing and looking wistfully blissed out. She teaches me that I can be of benefit while also chilling! More can be less.

Thank you for the visitations from the many thousands of angels who flock around me and travel with me! These divine, winged guides pulse beauty, connection, pure love and ascended awareness into my cells. I love basking in their glow! I love that they are always teaching me how to beam pure bliss and light. 

It is fun for my spiritual self to come out and play. I love that I am feeling more and more inspiration from one multi-dimensional fractal of Source called Christ Consciousness, the immortal wellspring known as Yeshua. This is very healing for me and helps me feel zingy as my inner mystic vibrates at a similar frequency. This is the high, ascended, intergalactic spiritual vibration of unconditional love and compassion.

Yay for all of the insights happening from all realms, across time and space and from all sources of loving intelligence, starbeings and kind light teachers. I find myself feeling more confident speaking to others about whatever raises my vibration to elation. I appreciate having the ability to open up my consciousness as a conduit for the download of uplifting experiences. Yay for channeling!!! Yay for love-beauty-intelligence!!! Yay for life!

(Stay tuned for another entry about PASSION which I want to create in my romantic partnership...)

Comments

[jennaluna]

i just breathed the *biggest* sgh of relief for you and your realization of what you *do* want in your life instead of children...

this is such a beautiful moment and i am so very happy for you that you have such clarity!

[jessica]

thank you for sharing your insight and experiences. our journeys are intersecting presently; i'm smiling, waving, and hugging you as our paths converge, at least for now. :) i'd love to engage in open-eye meditation with you. can we touch in again about bringing you here to minnesota for classes? namaste, beautiful soul.

[Elspeth]

Luminous and resonant.