20 Lessons Learned From My Marriage

Today is my wedding anniversary (again... we have two). We have been separated 8 months and await our final divorce papers. In honor of what I learned (through many mistakes), I thought I would share this blog. I wish I knew these things before, I really do. I am so grateful and so full of love. Honestly, I'm also very sad. But in the words of Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

1. Take Time Everyday To Appreciate Your Partner.

It is the little things that matter. Over time, lots of little expressions of love add up and create a wonderful feeling of connectedness and nurturing. Make an effort to frequently tell your partner what you love about them. I still find little notes which my husband had left in my suitcase, dresser drawers and purse and they warm my heart. Leaving uplifting phone messages, putting down whatever you are doing and greeting your partner at the door as they arrive home from work, cooking a surprise dinner with love, doing the laundry, cleaning up the space .. whatever little actions "say" love, along with actually saying it in written or spoken words, will keep the heart warm.

2. Sex is Very Important. Prioritize It.

Here's the deal. If sex plays a big role in your fundamental chemistry together, you need to keep that part of your relationship alive and thriving. Period. Do whatever it takes to keep feeling fantastic about yourself so that you can show up in the bedroom emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

3. Touch. A Lot. 

Maintain healthy physical nurturing. Even if you have had a disagreement, make touch a point of connection which can bring you back into sync. This can mean snuggling up at night in bed, reaching to give an unexpected shoulder rub, reaching out to hold hands or long hugs heart-to-heart.

4. Honor What is Most Important To Your Partner.

Your partner may have primary interests which are not your personal favorite, but it shows love to cultivate an interest in them. Intentionally develop a healthy curiosity about your partner's passions. This creates more points of connection. Ask them questions about it. Observe what this hobby or love contributes to their wellbeing. Show up for meaningful events associated with it. Maybe even stick your toe in and try it yourself! While you don't have to take it up as your primary activity, remain a cheerleader and active supporter of what makes them happy.

5. Remain Equals.

It can be very easy to let your partner handle everything in the relationship which they excel at, while you take over all the activities which you love. For example, letting your partner handle all the technology, financial organizing and home improvement while you handle all the cooking, laundry and social planning. If you separate responsibilities, however, be sure that there is an equal perception of energy exchange happening AND that you remain literate and able to step up to your partner's side of things. Learn from your partner's talents so that you become more enriched and capable yourself. This prevents any kind of dependency or resentment. 

6. Talk About Money, Beliefs and Long Term Goals.

Have the "big" conversations early on so you are aware. How do you each view, make, spend, save and invest money? How will you divide up money making responsibilities? Where do you see your relationship going in 1-3-5 and 10 years? Where do you want to live geographically? What are your religious/spiritual beliefs? Do you want kids? Do you want to travel? What needs to be in place to move forward with your dreams? Can you create a plan and stick to it as a team to make it happen? These discussions will unify your efforts towards a shared vision.

7. Create A Mission Statement.

Take time to identify in 1-2 sentences the purpose of your relationship and revisit the focus frequently. This can provide a unifying touchstone. Soon after my husband and I met each other we created this. We came upon a "wishing blanket" at Burning Man and pinned a note on the blanket which said, "May we co-create a relationship filled with joy, positivity and light which is meant to bring those things to others around us." This simple statement became a bedrock of our shared mission together as a couple and an easy barometer to use to measure wether we were in or out of alignment. 

8. Find Fun Ways To Grow Together.

It is common that partners evolve and change over time. Make an effort to find interests which you can share as you each grow to keep your connections alive. This may mean taking up brand new interests which neither of you ever cultivated independently, taking workshops together, attending new events together, traveling to learn together, etc. Intentionally look for ways to stay connected, especially if you have busy lives. And if you have a busy life, think about slowing down.

9. Being Happy is More Important than Being Right.

Let go of the need to be right because it really doesn't matter. No one needs to be "right" or "wrong", just always find a way to make the peace and keep it.

10. Love, Family and Friends Should Be At The Top of Your List.

Prioritize your love. If your partner is sick, stay home from a night on the town and nurture them. If you have to choose between something that supports your partner and something for work, support your partner. Attend the family event. Make an effort to visit with each of your families equally. Call your partner's core family members and talk to them frequently. Create points of connection and focus on what you have in common. One of the things I loved most about my husband was how much effort he took to always remember everyone's birthday in my family and send them cards, and also to call them every other week. Staying connected with your partner, your friends and family creates a major support system which enhances the relationship.

11. Create Physical Health.

Take full responsibility for your health. Do things which keep your body in great shape. Work out, bicycle, run, do yoga, or whatever you love that tones your muscles and gets your heart pumping. This boosts your endorphins, self image, appearance and vitality so you have more to bring to the relationship. Take your vitamins. Drink lots of water. Eat healthy foods. Get lots of sleep. Eat your greens. Address any medical concerns which arise immediately. Create and maintain radiant well-being. This will help you show up in your relationship in amazing ways. If you can share health-building activities with your partner, all the better! Even if you don't, keep doing them.

12. Communicate Openly and Honestly. If That's Hard, Get Help!

Nurture a "best-friend" relationship with your partner by fearlessly speaking your truth, no matter what. Make absolute integrity central to your connection. Avoid anticipating your partner's thoughts, emotions and  responses and editing your truth to "support" them. The best support you can give your partner is being open and honest about how you feel. Become emotionally literate. Create a shared understanding of emotions, how to speak about them and how to move the energy. If you can't communicate about something, get help! Even if your first and second attempts at seeking a coach, counselor or therapist fail, seek 10 more! All the energy you invest into understanding and communicating will support you in the long term. I highly recommend NVC as a powerful tool.

13. "Success" Means Nothing Without Love.

In short, being a workaholic and being married don't mix. Do the inner and outer work needed to bring your own life into balance so you can be present in your marriage. Nothing is more important. In the end, you will be happier being balanced and in a loving relationship, than unbalanced and alone with your money.

14. Keep Your Work Life and Marriage Separate.

Avoid hiring your spouse to work for you unless you are both extremely evolved and know what you are getting into. Balancing employment expectations with a loving marriage is hard. Overall, it feels better to keep these worlds separate. Cultivate a partnership which is a haven from all things work-related and consolidate your working time so you can focus on that 100% while you are there. It is healthier to work outside the home than from inside your home if working there means you have trouble unplugging or invade your living space with "work stuff". Again, keep these worlds as separate as possible.

15. Changing Your Partner Is Impossible. Change Yourself.

Let go of the idea that your partner will ever "change". You can only ever change your thoughts about the situation. If you can't do that and be with them as they are, consider if you are in the right place rather than vibing them out about being who they are.

16. Stay True to Who You Really Are and Allow Your Partner To Do the Same.

Make time to do all the things which help you feel like YOU. Don't compromise on this, make it happen. Wether it is a daily run or meditation, a fun hobby or event you love to attend. Make being happy your #1 priority so you can bring your joy back to the relationship to share. It is of vital importance to continue to nurture your sense of self as a separate person. Eat, speak and move in alignment with who you really are. Treat your partner like your best friend and support their choices.

17. Listen.

Become expert listeners for each other! This will provide a wonderful foundation of nurturing. Here are some tips I got from a doctor:

You know you are listening when you: take a listening posture, maintain comfortable eye contact, pay attention to the content of what is being said, listen for the overall meaning (not just the words but also tone of voice and body language), don't interrupt, ask clarifying questions, stick to the subject, suspend judgement, paraphrase what is being said, wait to respond until it's appropriate. 

You know you are not listening to your partner when you: stare into the distance, rehearse what you are going to say while they are talking, interrupt, don't focus on them, don't hear the feelings behind their words, offer advice about how to handle the problem, jump to conclusions about what they mean, criticize them mentally while they are talking, tell them about your experience instead of relating to their experience, don't ask questions when you don't understand.

18. Identify Self-Destructiveness.

There is a clear line between allowing your partner to be who they are and watching them slide into a pit of self-destruction. Speak openly at the outset about your ideas of well being and shared values so you can remind each other as friends later on. It is each partner's responsibility see that a healing is needed and to want to heal. You can never heal your partner, but you can support them taking action to align themselves.

19. Educate Yourselves About Relationships

We study random material in educational institutes for decades, but what about the art of relationships? Make it a fun shared interest to learn as much as you can about the dynamics of partnership. Have conversations, attend talks, read articles, read books. Devote at least as much attention to learning about relationships as you do to learning about your physical health and food! If you can share an open and honest dialog, you can extend the life of your marriage. Check out these books: The Vortex, Conscious Loving, Loving What Is, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

20. Cherish Every Moment.

You never know what conversation or touch will be the last one you share. Bask in the miracle of your partner's beingness and soul. Frequently talk about how lucky you were to have found each other. Talk about what you love about your partner. Savor each precious moment you have. 

Comments

[Angela]

Thank you!

[KevinMorrison]

This is so beautiful, and so beautifully written. I wish I had it 10 years ago when my marriage could have benefited from it. Could you please send this to every single married person on the planet? Thank you.

[MeGzz]

Wow Christabel. These words brought tears to my eyes. Not because of sadness but because of the truth and your kindness to share these with us.
I feel a shift going through the air, we all are and these points resinated deeply with my own relationship. We have a lot of things to work on. Thanks for sharing. SEe you at Symbiosis. Let's dance into bliss shall we?

[Natasha]

To #17, I would add this: you are NOT listening if you are simultaneously watching tv, checking your email, texting, or doing anything with your phone or computer. Make it a point to stop doing any of these things if your partner asks you a question or is having a conversation with you. Whatever it is you are doing can wait and is not as important as giving your undivided attention to the person you love most in the world.

Sending you lots of love.

[Michele Hague]

Thank you Mickie for posting this......it is amazing! Wow, really makes you stop & think........Michele this is for you <3

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=667102267]

Amazingly beautiful Christabel! I will share this with my husband. We both need reminders of how to keep our marriage strong. I will send him a text right now to tell him how much I love him, need him and think he's HOT STUFF! :-)
Thanks for sharing this deeply personal information. It helps me know you better, and I love that. Keep on being you!

[beth lavinder]

Really wise. Every word resonates with me. I'm printing this to remind me of these treasures.

[Greg Roberts]

This is the best marriage advice I have ever read. And that's after asking my parents ("marriage is work. make it work"), my ex's parents ("she's irresponsible and selfish, good luck"), and 5 different marriage counselors across 10 years and 3 states. Thank You Chris!

[Laura]

What an amazing piece of writing. Thank you so much for sharing this, Christabel...

[Mike Mitchell]

Very well said!

[skylar]

Thank you for this..I am recently married..3 weeks, and feel so fortunate to have found your words of wisdom so early on in the game. Thank you for helping us learn from your lessons. I cherish this syncronistic and precious information!!
skylar

[Lisa]

Love it.. congrats on your wisdom and growth you experienced during your journey called marriage. :)

[Bridget Amato]

Hi Christabel:) Thank you for your words of wisdom and sharing. I still think it's possible for you to work it out with your husband. Get the right counselor?
Sounds like your husband and you have a lot of love for one another? Don't give up? I'm crying as I speak this to you. Do a Challenge Day workshop with your husband. The couple who runs it have been married twenty years with four daughter's. The workshop will be transformative for the both of you. Don't sign the papers until you do this workshop! I only know you through Dawn Light Amora;) I've heard about you for years since, you lived in L.A. with her. Your beautiful. I would not give up just yet however, it's your journey:) Go to www.ChallengeDay.Org

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=744693554]

Hi beauty,

don't know if you realize...this'd make a great book. contact me and let's make it happen.
yes!

[Raena]

I agree with Cynthia. This would make a great book. Please contact her.

I just got married on June 13, 2009. I won't take any of this advice for granted. I will be sharing your words with my husband tonight.

[Christabel]

Hello everyone! WOW!!! Thank you so much for your kind words and generous ideas and thoughts. I had no idea when writing this is would become the #1 most read blog I have ever posted (well over 3500 reads). I am so grateful that my experiences were able to be helpful to you. Keep loving one another! I believe in love!

[Amanda Coggin]

Thanks for sharing this, Christabel. I believe that sometimes we need to try and fail (though I don't like that word, fail) to learn from our mistakes and do it differently the next time around. Actually, they aren't mistakes, just lessons we haven't learned yet.
I second Lisa on doing a Next Step workshop with Challenge Day. Though many tools have helped me get to this point in my life and learning, Yyonne and Rich are a force as a couple, they give you hope that marriage doesn't have to be a failed institution if you choose to do things differently, and offer up some great communication tools that somehow have seeped into my communication efforts with my current partner.
Hugs-
Amanda