"As you mature spiritually, you ask a different set of questions. Instead of, 'Where can I find love?' you ask, 'How can I radiate love?" You transcend wanting to be loved... it shifts from desperately asking, 'Isn't anybody going to ever love me?' to 'How can I manifest and express more love in my life?' Then, from the center of your Self there will radiate a divine love so potent that you will begin to fall in love with loving and no longer limit yourself to having to have an object of love... you love for the sake of loving."
-Michael Beckwith in his book, Spiritual Liberation
As I read this, I got chills all over my body. Earlier in the day I had been sitting in my portal in meditation, visualizing myself surrounded and infused by light and had a big realization.... I am ready to be my own soul mate! Michael's passage was the icing on the cake of my realization.
I've been living alone in Mill Valley for 9 months now. There have been ups and downs and lots of euphoric realizations. It has been a time of great introspection and letting go.
The scoop: I have never been outside of relationship with a man for this long since I was a teenager~ generally soon after leaving one relationship I have gone right into the next. So over the past months, I been doing things I always dreamed of. Creating a lifestyle of joyful, bliss, and fun! My days revolve around dance, hooping, yoga, raw foods, hiking, meditating, and spiritual growth. I've been cleaning up my business and bringing deep organization to my life and thoughts. I've been cultivating new interests in areas too~ technology, home improvement, cooking and gardening. I've been connecting with my essence and cultivating more self-worth than ever. It has been amazing to find, and live by my own rhythm...
And here is the biggest insight I've gained: For years I have adapted and tailored who I am to fit into romantic relationships. I've made subtle, small choices to fit in. I've modified myself in anticipation of what my partners' thoughts and needs were. I've noticed what my partners' loved and if he didn't love something I loved, I've slowly quieted that passion in me to avoid imagined conflict. I've allowed my partners' doubts about my passions to create doubt within me and distanced myself as a result. And then I've stored up resentment for not allowing myself to be who I truly am, and blamed my partners' for my lack of courage. To distract myself from the reality of abandoning myself, I focused on the things which I thought needed to be fixed to improve the quality of my partners' live. And then I would retreat from all this conflict into overwork to avoid facing the disaster being created. WOW!
So... fast-forward to sitting in my sauna the other morning. There I was. I was breathing deeply, sweating and feeling open and peaceful. And then, suddenly it happened. I met myself. It was the same way you might meet a new love of your life. It was unexpected and surprising and exhilerating all at once. In my mind's eye, I saw myself as a multidimensional being of beauty on every level. I saw the cosmic lessons in every so called "challenge" I've experienced. I saw all the gifts! There was no more, "one day when..." I instantly felt an incredible level of warmth, protectiveness, and elation. Fireworks, magic, the whole fairytale was already happening inside my own heart!
I felt fascinated and I wanted to know more. I was excited and full of anticipation about the adventures we would have together: me and me. I felt unconditional acceptance flow through me, for me, on every level... the quality and purity of love that I imagine Creator feels. In an instant, I felt called to deeply cherish myself for the rest of my life. I was ready to propose to myself: commitment to my own soul forever. With every breath I felt bathed in the nourishment of love! It was a profound moment. I realized I don't need to "find" a man ever again. All I need to do is radiate true love and I will always be surrounded by it! Everything I need will always come to me!
I am ready to be the person I have been looking for my whole life, meeting all my own needs on every level for love, tenderness, affection, appreciation, presence, compassion, generosity, honesty, authenticity... everything! I am ready to be my own best friend, confident, and cheerleader. I am ready to be connected to the deepest essence of me at all times. I am ready to partner with my soul on a mission of divine love, focusing on good times and fun.
When I love myself, my life is full of love! When I focus on beauty, all I can see in others is beauty. Ifocus on appreciation. I allow, enjoy, bask and give thanks. I can trust that my vibration will align me with my highest good and that all is well. It's quite lovely how it all works...
Can't wait for the next cosmic insight. xoxo
How inspiring Christabel!!! I have been on my own soul searching lately after recently moving to Kona. I moved here on a total whim and have been discovering who I am. YOU INSPIRE ME SO MUCH and to hear you share your amazing realizations in life is magical. Mahlo for sharing. You are a dreamer and a dancer like a fairy who sprinkles her dust and everyone watches...
Posted by: Gina Guglielmelli | October 15, 2009 at 01:02 PM
Hi Chrisatbel, have been reading your blogs and finding them really inspiring. Infused with much enthustiasm, spirit and inner godess power. Today, there is a feeling of deep peace within your words - that comes with meeting youreslf, as you have done. Although I don't know you, I am so happy for you to have come to this place of excited calm. Isn't it fun?
You've inspired me to start hooping, it's been almost 2 months and already I feel the benefits and transformational effects. So thank you for being inspiring to others and here's to inspiring ourselves! xx
Posted by: AquaCAT | October 15, 2009 at 07:13 PM
Yay!!
I am so happy that you are on this amazing journey and are having all these amazing "A-ha!" moments.
Posted by: Mayra | October 16, 2009 at 08:37 AM
You are amazing Christabel! I am so happy for you and you! lots more love coming your way!
Posted by: skylar | October 16, 2009 at 04:40 PM
You are a beautifull, beautifull soul. Well done you!
Posted by: RowanOdin | October 17, 2009 at 11:09 AM
Wow, this so resonates with my path recently and inspires me to "meet" myself even more.
Posted by: Andrew | November 12, 2009 at 06:59 PM