This is part 4 of an account I wrote about the Level 1 Clarity Breathwork Retreat. To catch up, check out parts 1 and 2 .
The days took on a rhythm: group breakfast, a solo morning walk by the river, group freeform movement to warm up, one-on-one self inquiry, goddess focused kirtan to open and align our intentions, presentation by the facilitators on breathwork philosophy, a breathwork session and group process, 1.5 hours of solo time for me going between the mineral springs, sauna and creek, another group session, dinner and solo time for me spent in contemplation and Theta. As my companion through it all I held fast to the intriguing citrine crystal I got on the way into Mt. Shasta. It tickled my senses and supported me with it’s personality and insights. I also used a Mt Shasta flower essence for Angelica and did daily angel readings for myself for continued insight.
On my Friday morning walk by the river, I came upon a partnership tree. It was clear the two trees were lovers and had teachings on how to be two living as one. I sat with the tree/s for a while and felt into it’s experience of being wound so intimately with another. Wordless knowledge…
In session I had a huge healing. We worked with one person to share the story of our birth, speaking specifically about the energy in the air during conception, what the feeling atmosphere was between our parents and also in mom during pregnancy, what the birth experience was like including any drugs, forcepts, home birth, natural birth, hispital experience, etc was like, and what happened immediately after our birth. I realized in telling my story that I my mom transmitted some genetic beliefs to me about men based on her relationship with my father. There was definitely a specific feeling tone to her relationship with my father, certain things shared and not shared, emotions held in and strong beliefs which she held at the time about men. I also sensed that the epidural which was used at birth may be connected to something, but it was unclear.
To begin our breathwork, we lined up our sleeping bags and blankets in two lines, lying “head to head”, with a passageway through the center for the teachers and assistants to walk up and down and give each person assistance as needed. A typical group session involves one hour of sustained circular breathing and the assistants and teachers walking around and spending a bit of time with people as needed.
I laid down and began with no particular objective in mind. I kept at it for at least 15-20 minutes with not much shift in consciousness, fighting off the frequent urge to relax and breathe normally. Soon I felt a familiar vibrating sensation in my hands which indicated the energy was moving! My mouth felt dry from all the intense breathing with an open mouth. I felt some kind of mucous in the back of my throat, almost like a membrane. It took some effort to keep breathing open my lungs. I stuck with it though, and my arms and hands started vibrating more strongly. An assistant came over and gently placed a finger to my heart and I felt an explosion of emotions surge through me~ sadness, hurt, anger and aloneness. The tears just started flowing and rolling out like mad, I kept breathing and the assistant touched a tissue to the sides of my face, gently cooing some soft words. I felt completely nurtured and supported and just allowed the emotions to flow. Then she moved on and I was left journeying into my own experience.
I called on some angelic assistance and felt a massive being of TENDERNESS visit me, just pouring the sensation of complete tenderness into every cell of my body. I got a clear transmission that for me to understand the true mystical teachings of the Law of Tenderness, I needed to heal my connection to the divine masculine. This would allow me to welcome in compassion and nurturing at a level never before experienced. I just let it all surge through me, feeling absolute clarity that actual angels as emissaries of nurturing and compassion were there by my sides, holding my hands and feet, radiating light and healing energy into my cells.
Then suddenly I felt a hand on my right shoulder. It was the male assistant. The feeling of his hand on my shoulder while I was crying, just completely present, sent me into a wave of more tears. Just his sitting with me, quiet, saying nothing, hand on my shoulder, seemed to be educating me with a new feeling I had never had: a man present for my emotions, caring, nurturing, no agenda to fix, rationalize, change the subject or run away. Just there. Warm. Breathing. Witnessing. Present. A new sensation. It was like all the cells in my body were breathing a soft, “a-ha!”
He had one hand on me and I could sense another hand on the woman to my right who was in a super intense fit of breathing, crying and moaning. It was interesting because as I heard her wails of pain, I realized those sounds were the sounds of my self who didn’t trust men. The heart-wrenching grieving and fearful cries was what I was choosing to let go of. So it was this amazing experience to feel the assistant’s warm love, truly as an reoresentative of mankind, my own conscious realization that trust in men’s availability to be present was possible, and hear the sounds of the fearful woman, embodying all the pain and grief which I had felt with my limiting beliefs.
Soon some soothing music came on and we were encouraged to turn on our sides and slowly relax our breath and come back. It took me a long time, and as I sat up, everything looked the way it does when you are on drugs with depth perception a bit off, my hands still buzzy, my heart so open from feeling such depths of emotion and a very sleepy-dreamlike awareness. I felt so dazed, gifted, inspired and blessed.
To have such a profound healing around the divine masculine and visitations from such powerful emissaries of love…. Wow! These heart beings clearly indicated that my path was to BE LOVE through service, but to be it, I had to feel it fully, for everyone, including MANkind. Until I could clear all my issues around men, and beyond that, move into a place of divine partnership, intimacy and co-creative play, I could never truly anything of value to women on their own path of empowerment.
Moments later we were released for “lunch”, meeting back 2 hours later. I walked out into the sunshine feeling very raw and decided to skip food and go straight to the baths to keep “cooking” everything going on inside. An hour and a half of dream-state medicinal waters, sauna and river dunks and suddenly I had 10 minutes to get back to the workshop. I had a few bites of food and returned, feeling bowled over and ready for a nap.
We met back, danced together to warm up and then broke into groups again for self-inquiy. It is hard to recall what we spoke of, but I do remember that the insights continued to roll in, most completely unexpected. I left the evening session feeling certain that I was in the perfect place at the perfect time. All the life changes and evolution required it! After dinner I wrote, “Theta Healing to Heal Family Memories”, using Theta Healing to program some new sensations, feelings and beliefs into my body. It felt like an AMAZING integration from the day’s realizations…
At night I dreamt of my
x-husband for the first time in a long time. I don’t remember what it was
about, but I awoke feeling as if the work I was doing with “global” man was all
connected on a deep level. I sensed I had some forgiveness work to do with myself
and him around my marriage, and left it at that until I got home and had more
time.
Continued in Part 4...
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