On Saturday morning I awoke and wrote, “Theta Healing to Heal Trust in Men”, had breakfast and went for my morning walk. I enjoyed taking pictures and communing with different rocks and pools of water. Next, the workshop then began with more beautiful kirtan, and mystical flute music by Dana. The sounds were resonant, moving and very spiritual, especially those she played with a Native American drone flute in F sharp. It connected me with a timeless inner self which felt very ancient and wise.
Next, Ashanna led us on a Rainbow Bubble Meditation to the top of Mt Shasta to meet the ascended masters. Ashanna is a truly talented visualization leader and her soothing voice, clear words and accessible imagery was easy to assimilate. We connected with the land, the ancient peoples of the land, and the beings and teachers in the whole area, especially Archangel Michael and St Germain. It was lovely and left me feeling full of light, sparkling luminosity and a feeling of connection to my guides.
Next we did an inner child healing where we talked to a partner as if they were our parents and spoke to 4 specific questions:
- What was it like for you growing up with us?
- What was difficult for you?
- What would you have needed?
- What did you come to believe about yourself?
I held space for my partner first and it was very amazing to hear the kinds of things that someone else has experienced on this level with their parents. It really put things into perspective in my life and made me re-consider how these vastly different upbringings effect us in different ways. Even though I didn’t really think I had much to say, when my turn came I was just like a fountain pouring out things, mostly all to my dad around things such as being present, a part of my life, emotionally available, etc. Just giving voice to these things I had never really articulated in this way was quite freeing. I was beginning to see how all the dots connected during this experience relating to beliefs about men…
Next was another breathing session, but this time, my self-inquiry partner held space for me as my facilitator and stayed with me the whole time. It was truly a spectacular experience. My friend tucked me in in blankets and made sure I was cozy and then just sat next to me in breathing meditation, gazing at me with soft eyes while I breathed. It took me a bit longer to get into the state this time, and I had moments of dry throat and forgetting to breathe.
My eyes were closed for about 15-20 minutes while I just flooded my whole body with breathe. Once the tingling started I sensed that “membrane” sensation in the back of my throat again and it took me a while to get through it. I felt my heart melt open as I opened my eyes and saw my friend gently smiling and gazing down at me, looking like the divine mother. As I breathed, I breathed into her consciousness looking down at me as a tender midwife. I named my experiences as I had them. “My throat is dry, my hands are tingling, etc…” She simply smiled and said, “thank you for naming that.” Or “good”. Tears started flowing and I felt a lot of sensation and emotion.
I found myself struggling and resisting against the sustained breathing but I also knew on a deep level it was making more more human and divine at the same time, blasting open my heart. As I inhale deeper, yet more tenderly, I started to feel love pour through me around my father. I realized that Dad's withholding of nurturing was probably the greatest gift he ever gave me! I realized that this required me to go out and learn how to experience nurturing deeply and become the source of nurturing for myself and everyone around me.
Another direct download: I got the clear knowingness that it was “the little things that count” with love. The little gifts of time, attention, listening, and touching which can happen with very little effort are actually massively meaningful. I realized I can be a source of these things for others – providing safety, listening, nurturing, integrity, time, and understanding.
I also had a revelation that my parents forcing Roman Catholicism upon me, which led to me “hating God”, actually was another gift because it allowed me to go away and find my own mystical truths and come home to a realization of the true infinite vastness of Creator. The tears poured out as I felt a deep and intense love of Source, formless, genderless, free of any religious affiliation or dogma. I just felt the ALL pulse through me, as me, and was overtaken with a kind of rapture which made me smile with glee and then start laughing. I felt a fleet of angels around me, Gabriel, Michael, lightbeings, Christ Consicousness and many, many others. Hundreds of other angels and beings of light were packed into the room, supporting me and teaching me how to open more fully. This ecstatic state went on for a good 10 minutes as I continued to deepen my breaths.
Dana came by and sat for a bit with me. It felt SO amazingly nurturing to have a woman on each side of me while I had all these feelings. Waves of tenderness washed over me and I felt so mothered! I felt such gratitude for such powerful women role models all around me, embodying divine beauty and wisdom. Dana asked me about stepping into my next level (as I had brought this up earlier in a group talk), asking me what I was afraid of. I said I had had a fear because I didn’t know what I would say once I gathered women together. But that people were just asking me for gatherings and events and saying all I had to do was show up. They said that just to be around me would transmit the information and it was enough. We looked deep into eachother's eyes. Suddenly, even saying that sounded so silly.
I realized in an instant that my own role was to purify myself as a vessel of divine love and that would be enough. It felt like another “a-ha!” moment. All I had to do was let go, love, pulse love, be love, share love. By doing this, I would fulfill my role. What could be easier? What could be more divine? What a gift!
Feeling all these super cosmic realizations, I had a knowingness that breathwork for me is an amazing medicine form which will aid me as I step into the next level of my evolution. A sudden flash of future sight came to me~ I would complete the whole training to becoming a Clarity Breathwork practitioner! I looked up a my friend, looking down at me as if she was sitting on clouds of ascension, and realized that this was how I could hold space for birthing. Instead of being a pro-creative mother giving birth through my body, I was called to be holding space for women’s recreation of themselves using this and the other modalities I had been studying and unifying. It felt like a massive a-ha! Goddess Blossom revealing herself to me even further. How could it all be this easy?
Watching my friend watch me, I had another “inside-out” experience in my perception where I saw how clearly it nourished her to be present for me, and I longed for that experience myself. My own heart was blasting open from the breathing and I realized that any practice which opened me to such depths of emotions on a regular basis would surely cultivate within me the state of divine love I wanted to be/feel/share.
Waves of the ecstatic feeling of spiritual connection and angelic communication continued to sweep through me and I rode the waves. I felt SO connected to the divine masculine, divine feminine, the whole cocoon of life itself emerging to the next level. Soon, some soft music came on and a signal that we should turn on our sides and begin integrating. It took me quite a while to sit up. As I came back, I was shocked to realize that I was experiencing menstrual cramps, something biologically impossible for me. (I hadn’t had a cycle in 4 years since my last surgery for Endometriosis). It was crazy! I felt into my belly again and realized, yes, these are menstrual cramps! How amazing to feel the body literally re-birthing itself against all chemical odds of possibility. Soon the feelings subsided, but I was wowed and curious...
As my perception restored itself from the altered state, I had the knowingness that I had just had a massive life-changing experience. Any lingering doubts of why I had been called to attend this event were instantly evaporated.
We had a lunch break for two hours so I went straight to the mineral baths and did a 1.5 hour routine of springs, sauna and creek immersion until I was literally weak in the knees. I really wanted to take full advantage of the healing properties of the land and facilities to help me integrate the deep realizations I had. Everytime before I got into the creek I sang a hymn of purification to focus my intent. Then with 10 minutes to spare, I ate a muffin on the way back to class, stopping for a moment to put my packed bags in the car.
Upon returning, we did another exercise where we identified what was called our “personal lie”, the story we told ourselves which created the most unneeded pain in our lives. Interestingly, mine started as “I’m loosing myself”, then went to, “I’m loosing my connection to God”, then, evolved into a bottom belief of “I don’t belong”. This originated from some recurrant self criticism which I subjected myself to around my lifestyle choices of what I ate and drank, how much I did or did not exercise, and how I spent my free time. I initiated some deep healing around a sense of belonging with some affirmations to the group and their reflection back to me.... releasing the idea that I had to be anything other than what I already was to be a part of the community.
Next, I facilitated my partner's hour long Breathwork session. It was actually much harder than I thought because I noticed I kept wanting to "take care" of her. Breathwork is very expansive... when you do it you shift around, make sounds, and do all sorts of things. I wanted to create the perfect balance of reminding her to breathe when she forgot, but I didn't want to be too much. I wanted to touch her at the right moment when it could help release something, but not so much she was distracted from her own experience. So I spent a lot of the time there, but also In short, I in my head second guessing myself. When I thought of her blissed out state holding space for me, I relaxed more and more and taught my body how to know that just being there was enough. To watch someone that closely, every single breath, was amazing. I could tell I have so much to learn! And I honored to have held space for her experience.
We closed shortly afterwards in a circle, and the teachers encouraged us to cultivate our forgiveness practice with everyone who came up in our minds and hearts over the weekend. Suddenly, it was over, hugs were happening, I headed to my car and struck out on the 5 hour drive back home so I could make it back in time rest overnight and prep for Bay to Breakers with my honey. To say that there was a culture shock in the transition is an understatement.
Looking back, I really admire Dana and Ashanna. They embody symbiotic female teachers who work together seamlessly, almost telepathically. They are a fantastic team and full of heart. I loved how Ashanna said our job was to be like Christ and only "see those we worked with as healed already". I loved how she invited us to imagine how it would have been to grow up in a womb where the mother believed with all her heart that her body was a sacred temple and that her purpose was love ... and was surrounded vibrationaly by an entire community which contributed to the same thought atmosphere... I also loved how she invited us to step into a lifestyle of "the undefended heart". This whole event is right on track with my own heart-expansive path of women's empowerment. I am utterly moved and shaken to the core. I can't wait for more!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!