How do you grow in new directions which change you, while still sustaining connection in partnership? This question has been on my mind strongly over the past months as I have been attending "intimacy" events solo, even though I have a boyfriend.
Last Wednesday I went to a co-ed tantric experience inspired by the work of David Deida. 10 men and women gathered at a home temple of my women's circle mentor. Though I longed to bring my partner, Kevin, to share the experience, he wasn't interested. Being personally committed to deepening communication and heart-opening, I still felt absolutely compelled to attend.
But I had some mixed feelings. I asked myself, "is this okay?", "what does it mean that I want to explore these realms and my partner doesn't?", "how do I have profound experiences of opening and return to a partner who hasn't shared the same type of vulnerable, deep revealing?" Despite these questions, which I have asked before attending similar events, I went.
Everyone was in a state of heightened presence. There was a sense of electricity in the air, excitement about the practice of "being real". The focus for the evening was activating the divine masculine energy within the men and the divine feminine energy within the women to create a powerful polarity. Time was spent as one large group, then divided into mens and women's groups doing exercises, then gathering back and each woman working one-on-one with a man (with no touching between men and women, by the way~ all energy work).
The first gem I got was remembering how much being a woman is about being in a body, feeling and expressing emotions. For so much of my life I have tried to hold emotions in when I have gotten distracted by thoughts and fears. I actually had the illusory belief that feeling and expressing too many emotions meant I was "weak". In this environment, I was given full permission to become an embodiment of the great feminine SHE, the generative life force of the universe and all the tidal waves of feeling She carries. I swung my hips, I vocalized, I breathed deep, I squirmed, I cried and everything in between.
I was reminded that being a woman is all about surrendering to to sensation and reveling in the tactile joy that my animal body provides. I felt how I create walls around myself when I get trapped in my mind and close my heart. I felt the absolute awkwardness I create when I force distance between myself and others out of fear.
I also noticed how all these walls come crashing down when I get back into my body, my joyful pleasure and magnetic radiance! I felt how being a woman is about connecting, touching, and "leaning in" to having a human body and feelings. I left with a realization that my personal practice as a divine goddess is to be love, move love and powerfully express my anguish when love is denied.
The second gem was a realization about why women long for male presence... because it provides a safe container for fully wild, feminine expression! During the exercises where women were coached to unbridled release, unleashing our most chaotic, changing, sensual, intuitive, expressive, raw, emotive selves, the men were coached in holding the most powerful, stable, unmoving, penetrating, calm, un-moveable cosmic-consciousness possible. The reliability of the masculine strength was palpable. There was a massive sense of presence which was unmoving and unchanging within the men, no matter what they witnessed. They were riveted upon the women with 100% focus which was unshakeable and solid, providing a sense of freedom and safety. My body felt like this "maleness" provided an anchor for my feminine abandon... and an invitation to surrender even further into it.
The third gem I got was a reminder that I am the source of intimacy in my life. I had arrived with some feelings of rejection that night. Before I walked in, I created a Facebook update which I thought would change my thoughts. It read, "I am a snuggle magnet!" Lo and behold, I found myself announcing that I was available for hugs and I got lots of them! It felt completely out of character for me to say something like this and I was delighted that I was able to generate nurturing connection. I remembered I can be the initiator instead of waiting for it to come from outside myself or only from one specific person. And I also realized that I liked this person I was becoming, a woman who loved offering and sharing physical affection more openly.
I left feeling tingly all over. I had a sense that I had been exactly where I should have been. With or without Kevin, I had continued my own process of awakening. I trust that this is actually the most precious gift I can give to myself, and thereby, to those I love...
xoxo,
Christabel
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