I found a crucial piece of the puzzle around how to understand my recent lessons more fully. The keystone which lies at the center is building muscles of intimacy. This is the heart of the matter which needs to be nurtured. An intimate relationship is one which prioritizes complete mutual self-disclosure of thoughts and emotions by being open, trusting, and vulnerable. Every one of the lessons which I described is a method of creating and maintaining intimacy. Things like talking, loving, touching, playing, respecting each other, sharing important experiences... all of these things contribute to a feeling of connection.
As someone who grew up in a family which had many key players incapable of emotional intimacy - and having been in many romantic relationships with similar people- I am now beginning to realize that this is a topic I want to become more aware of. I, myself, have had barriers to intimacy while simultaneously reaching out and wanting to connect more fully - in my friendships, my family and in my marriage. I've also experienced extreme anxiety over those who I have tried to reach out to who simply have been incapable of responding from a place of openness.
One way we can become capable of emotional intimacy by doing the "inner work" -- that is, by building what David Goff described as "integrity"...
"Integrity for a person is comparable to integrity for a vessel: the boundaries or edges clearly separate what is internal from what is external, and the strength of the vessel allows it to contain internal pressure without leaking. In relationships, integrity makes it possible to be close without losing or abandoning oneself, to remain in emotional contact with another person's pain without having to rescue or fix, and to feel one's own pain and anger without having to blame or punish. Integrity enables a person to remain true to self and choiceful in actions (rather than reactive or defensive) regardless of the interpersonal situation. In other words, as integrity increases, there is a decreased need to control other people because one is more in control of self. Integrity can be defined as the ability to tolerate anxiety or tension for the sake of growth and to remain non-reactive in the face of anxiety felt by a significant other...
The ability to maintain one's integrity in relationship with others extends the possibilities for intimate contact with others. Intimacy happens when one is discovering and revealing oneself in the presence of a significant other. Although telling a parter important orprivate things about oneself can build closeness, the profound, immediate experience of intimacy... comes not from the content shared but from allowing one's self to be known in the midst of self-discovering. In intimacy there is the spontaneous sense of surprising one's self, and a vulnerability that comes from not knowing if what is sensed within will be disturbing or pleasing. Intimacy may be felt as threatening, exciting, vivid -- in other words intimacy generates anxiety. Sustaining that anxiety (or excitement) challenges one's integrity, just as heating up the contents increases stress on the sturcture of a vessel." -David Goff and Cynthia McReynolds at Foundation for Interdependence
I love how David and Cynthia explain this further~ especially the comment about "allowing one's self to be known in the midst of self-discovering". Just being able to write about this in such an open way is helping me to understand and accept myself and others more fully. I am inspired heal in all ways around emotional intimacy, and to share this healing with others. I welcome your input about books, events, teachers, programs and other resources to become more aware. Meanwhile, I'm coming out of the "retreat-mode" I've been in for the last 9 months as much as possible~ connecting, talking, playing and loving life with others... Thank you!
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