"Me" is boring. I've done "me" for decades. I've designed my life around me for as long as I can remember. I've put my priorities first.
I've scheduled my trips to work all over the globe. I've created my business to feed my passions. I've focused on my goals. I've focused on my visions. Me, me, me. Don't get me wrong, I've had a blast and grown a lot. I've helped a lot of people. But there is a whole world beyond the "me-land" of my spiritual growth, my service, my teaching carrer, my health and nutrition...
Now I'm in love. Deep. And "me" is like that irritating song that comes on the radio that you just have to change immediately. I am looking at my travel calendar for the next 2 months and I can hardly stand myself. Where do I even have room for a relationship? I've boxed myself into a little corner of "me-ness" between non-stop engagements in San Francisco, Middletown, Santa Cruz, Ecuador, Joshua Tree, Hawaii and Mexico.
Ms.Independent is finally over it and ready for a change. But where do you begin when your lifestyle revolves around feeling strong, safe and important by being overly busy? One of my spiritual teachers, Lama Marut, says that busyness is a form of laziness. Yes... busyness has historically been my drug of choice. A delusional way of feeling "good enough" amidst the chaos of life.
Now a legendary love has taken me by the shoulders and given me a good shaking. I'm disoriented. My initial plans to use 2012 as my "year to live" experiement, living this year as if it was my last, have been thrown off kilter.
I thought my last year to live would involve DOING all the things I always wanted to do. Things that always felt dreamy, but out of reach. So I did~ I've gone for my certifiction in life coaching. I went to Costa Rica for a month and immersed in breathwork at Pacha Mama. I went to Bali and lived for months. And then...
Then... love walked in. I fell in love with Bali. I fell in love with breathwork ceremonies. And I fell in love with a beautiful man. Now there's an ache. I'm apart from all these loves. I'm missing.
I'm thinking of my soul family. I'm remebering all the Wayans in Ubud and wondering how they are. For the first time, I'm longing to talk things over with my partner before making decisions. There is a warrior in me ready to put down her sword of truth in exchange for a rose...
I want depth instead of breadth. I want stillness instead of motion. I'm wanting to listen instead of talk. I'm longing to soften open instead of brace against life. I'm craving hand-holding. Im hungry for partnership, home, life and community in every possible way. And I'm releasing reluctance to feel desire, itself. I'm letting myself feel all the missing, vulnerability and suppleness which wants to happen through me.
Somewhere in all of this I am realizing that "a year to live" isn't so much about doing, but rather, it's about being. Being in love. Being open. Being sad, open, happy, angry, at peace. Being soft. Being connected. Being raw. Being with everything...
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