light bliss

Job Description: Surrender

 

Dim room with a litter of props

warm air

breathing into every cell

stretching beyond

i feel like I am hanging on for dear life

reminding my fingers to unclench

reminding my resistance to give up

talking down an avalanche of sensation

shooing away stray thoughts with the mantra, 

"thinking...thinking...thinking"

this is supposed to be the "easy yoga"

this is yin yoga

using my own body weight for deep long stretches

the goal: relaxation.

muscle sheaths yawn, expanding beyond limits

allowing allowing allowing

a half inch of movement is achieved

i breathe deeper, down to toes.

my thighs are singing 

my left hip is dancing

my muscles let go, let go, let go

revealing a tender shiny new me

this is my monday night entertainment

better than watching tv, i figure

in the adventure story i call life

my job? complete and utter surrender.

Setting the Cruise Control to Astonishment

Tonight I was in Yin Yoga class. This style of yoga is amazing. You stay in poses for 5 minutes each and experience a level of release which is incredible. The stretches are passive, meaning you use your own body weight and props as opposed to muscular engagement. The openings happen deep in the body, beyond muscle: in the ligaments and fascia. These are the deep, dark places which are entwined with the unconscious and a vast storehouse of emotions. Each stretch is like an archaeological dig. You keep getting old stuff out of the way so you can go deeper. It suddenly becomes very clear where you are "holding on for dear life" inside your body. The letting go can be painful at first, then, a relief. What an incredible practice.

While we settled into gentle, oceanic ujai breathing, our teacher spoke on the topic of astonishment. She asked us what it would feel like to intentionally spend a whole day immersed in the feeling of astonishment. What would it feel like to see everything with a sense of wonder and elation? To cherish in every second? 

Of course, I loved the idea. But then I began to wonder...really, how does one really go about existing in such a high frequency mode of perception? To really sustain a thunderstruck level of surprise and jaw-dropping awe? Is it really possible? I know that yogis high in the mountains and monks in temples probably get to a place like this through incredible mindfulness and meditative discipline. Many party-goers can get there on a fast track with a capsule of Ecstasy. Esther Hicks seems to be able to live in that place by devoting 2 hours daily to her appreciation practices and by channeling a non-physical collective... certainly I have been able to amplify my own joy with specific exercises I have learned over the years... but is there a way for the average person to live in astonishment without all these intense practices or substances, for a sustained amount of time. Is there a switch we can throw as easily as turning on the cruise control in a car? At current I get there and can live there for hours on end, sometimes even days, but there is certainly always a drop off and bumpy return to consensus reality. This investigation is my biggest passion and fascination...

Allowing Savasana

In yoga one's practice session concludes with a pose called "Savasana", also known as "corpse pose". It involves lying on the floor on your back with palms up and eyes closed, relaxing the body, releasing control and surrendering fully. It is said that this pose allows integration of the benefits of a rigorous practice, providing a time for realignment and healing. It is the great letting go...

My life feels like Savasana pose right now. I've been in it for months. I'm scanning myself for tension which I can relax. I'm letting myself get soft and receive support from the Earth. I'm closing my eyes and going within. I feel tingly all over. My beliefs are crumbling, like dust returning to the land. My sense of self withers and evaporates into mist. I'm stretching across space and time beyond my life into a vastness. There is a willingness to release. The openings happen bit by bit. I settle in. I drift. I commune. A spaciousness suddenly appears...

I take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Dying to who and what I have been. Soaking in the rejuvenation. Nourishing. Nurturing. Allowing expansion~

It seems to go against all instincts to allow dissolution, and yet, it is the natural cycle of beginnings and endings. I am so grateful for this wisdom! I am grateful for patience.  I'll just keep basking in these realms of renewal... breathing and being. Loving Source, loving myself, loving this precious life~

Om namah shivayah

"I bow to Shiva, the supreme reality, the inner Self"

Little Earthquakes

tremors ripple muscles

i'm shaking, quivering, straining, sweating

realizing while I hold this pretzel 

how much I try to control

how much i need to release.

i yield, 

i hold.

i waver, 

i compensate.

i effort.

i push.

i power.

i fix

a catastrophe of femininity.

i seek the strength in softness!

allowing...

i seek a power source of light particles and joy

i seek a fluidity 

peace

home inside my bodyhome.

i am the earth loosing her cliffs to the ocean.

i am the tree flinging away leaves with a smile.

i am crystal deposits unearthed, traveling far from home.

i am

silent.

chaos.

changing.

becoming

?

The Great Unwinding

connective tissue uncurls like blossoming petals

joints sigh in relief, a moment of pause

muscles sing in a harmonic symphony of sensation

and i just breathe

releasing the push of my life forward

sagging under the weight of my own flesh

allowing.

the soundtrack of my body has taken on soothing lullabies

i breathe into my toes

inviting my hip bones to unfurl like butterfly wings

stillness.

i am the holding and also the release

i am the illusion of fear and the reality of love

i am a bundle of meat and bones and blood

i am the ocean over mountains

i am the packed earth and a bazillion stars in the sky

om namah shivayah